Saturday, April 30, 2011

Aw, cool. The Grizzlies beat the Spurs last night. I just found this out.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Without the internet, I'm forced to read the newspaper like a sucker. It's kind of relaxing, actually.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I guess people in this neighborhood aren't big fans of sharing their internet for free.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Whenever I'm walking down the street in the early dawn hour and I see a homeless guy sitting down, my first thought is, "Congrats, man--congrats on making it through the night!"

Monday, April 25, 2011

The XKCD guy just put up a comic in which he posits the "Falcon" part of "Millennium Falcon" doesn't make sense, due to etymology. 

I can tell the point he's trying to make, but he could've tried using better material.  I soon thought of a similar example that feels 10x better, from "The Lion King." 

(Incidentally, I made an earlier post in which I pointed out how the XKCD guy claimed to know "The Lion King" word-for-word, and in that very same comic he messed up one of the quotes.)

Late in the movie, Simba is talking to Rafiki, and Rafiki whacks him on the head with a stick.
Simba:  "Ow!  Jeez, what was that for?"
Rafiki:  "It doesn't matter.  It's in the past!"

Things like pop-culture references can be chalked up to coincidence.  Maybe when Pumbaa shouts, "They call me Mr. Pig!" that's just what he would shout normally.  Maybe when Zazu sings, "It's a small world after all," that's just an actual song popular in the grassland.  But how is Simba able to make a slangy reference to Jesus, considering he's a lion in Africa?  Does Jesus exist in the "Lion King" universe?  Was Jesus a human?  That's a reference to a historical figure, and not just a case of etymology--which is a step beyond the suspension-of-disbelief normally required when lions are speaking English.   

For the record, merriam-webster.com lists the origin of jeez as:  Euphemism for Jesus; first known use: 1923.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I had a dream where Scarlett Johansson was dating one of my roommates, and as I was sleeping in bed she called and asked me to tell my roommate that she'd be arriving in five minutes.  My roommate was in the shower at the time, so this was no problem.

Then I remembered that a friend and I were interested in getting tickets to her new show on Broadway, so I texted her right back, something like:  "try gfew 6 ticlts for me n fridmd too show" and because I was really tired, and this was a dream, my text message was full of spelling errors and barely comprehensible.

Anyway, she came to the house, and I said 'Hi' to her.  And apparently she found my retardedly-worded message to be really funny and/or pathetic, and later in the car she posted it on her Facebook page as an example of how not to ask celebrities for favors.  And then some of our mutual friends starting sharing it, too.  I think she mentioned it in a radio interview as well.

So I went to one of these mutual friends and I told her to tell Scarlett that, if she kept this up, that I was planning to go all "Match Point" on her ass the next time she came to my house, which is a really clever thing to say in the middle of a dream.

(Note:  I do not actually have any ill will towards Scarlett Johansson in real life.  Besides, I wouldn't want Sean Penn to try and kick my ass.)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I finally managed to fix my laptop, by using a pair of scissors and just hitting and cutting away at it.

Friday, April 22, 2011

My problem with paper notebooks is that I've got about 10 of them, and each is 1/10th full.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Uh-oh.  I'm too drunk right now to make a good blog post.  So I'll just make a bad blog post and blame it on drunkenness.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I noticed the image from yesterday's post moves three times faster in Chrome than it did in Internet Explorer.

Explorer:  3.40 seconds per rotation.
Chrome: 1.02 seconds per rotation.

I can still get her to switch directions easily, but my water sprinkler analogy isn't as easy to imagine.  And the movie as a whole is less hypnotic.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I stared at this movie for thirty minutes today.  It supposedly indicates whether you're using the right side or the left side of your brain, depending on whether you view the dancer moving in a clockwise or counter-clockwise direction. 

I immediately assumed she was moving in a _____ direction.
Then I tried to picture her moving in a _____ direction.
Then the test was to figure out how to make her switch directions whenever I wanted.  (My personal solution below.)





The movie is on a loop.

If you're familiar with lawn sprinklers, think of her entire motion as like one of those sprinklers that makes high, arcing shots in one direction, and then switches directions and makes rapid-fire, low-to-the-ground shots.

1. At the beginning of the loop, her swinging foot is at 9 o'clock moving clockwise. This is the rapid-fire, low-to-the-ground motion.

2. At 12 o'clock she jumps off with her left foot, and her right foot begins a long, arcing motion.

3. At 3 o'clock she is at the height of her jump. This is where the change occurs. Her right thigh, which should be passing in front of her left thigh (closer to the viewer), instead slips behind the left thigh (farther away from the viewer), and emerges from behind in a counter-clockwise direction. So it's like a satellite coming out from behind the far side of the moon.  The trick is to wait until the moment when the two thighs meld together, without any space between them.  Then imagine the switch occurring.

(Another way to consider this, in case the thighs aren't distinct enough: When the foot on her extended leg is at 4 o'clock, it immediately teleports up to 1 o'clock, and is now moving in a counter-clockwise direction.)

4. She continues to float slowly to the ground in a counter-clockwise motion, eventually hitting the ground at 9 o'clock. At this point, she immediately switches directions like a sprinkler, churning clockwise and low to the ground until 12 o'clock, at which point she jumps off again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I'm pretty sure the clock on my computer desktop is accurate, but I'll find out right now whether it happens to be two minutes slow.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The January issue of Vogue featured Natalie Portman on the cover, shortly before she announced her pregnancy, with the blurb: "Expect The Unexpected...Natalie Portman...The Good Girl Takes on Her Most Provocative Role Yet."

I wonder if that was a coincidence?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

One time Justin and I were sitting on the grass by our house, and one of the neighbor girls and her identical twin brothers came by, so we struck up a conversation with them.  They all looked to be around 5 or 6 years old.   

Justin looked at the girl and asked, "Which of your brothers do you like better?"

The girl paused for a moment and then pointed decidedly to one of the brothers.  We both cracked up.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A friend and I were walking towards the Atlantic Avenue subway terminal last night and saw Zach Galifianakis across the street.  I wonder if he lives in Brooklyn, or if he tends to walk around that station regularly at that time each night?  (Probably not, since he was filming a scene for his TV show, but you never know.)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Just because I'm short on time, that's no excuse to make a bad blog post.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

All my recent keychains have had "mystery keys"--keys whose purpose isn't known by either myself or the lease holder.  I even have an entire keychain lying in my suitcase, containing keys that--I'm pretty sure--went to my house in New Jersey; but the keychain contains six keys, which is more than the number of locks my house had.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Quiznos on 23rd street had a hand-written sign which read:  "Restroom for customer only.  No exception pls.  Public restroom cross the street."  Whoever wrote the sign had used the back of a weekly report for New York City, which showed the net profits for all 15 Quiznos stores in Manhattan.  The stores were also ranked.  The most profitable Quiznos was at W. 34th street.  The Quiznos where I had just eaten was ranked 12th out of 15, which only cemented my opinion that the sandwich I'd eaten was below average.

It also had a "Q-Way" rating of 74.0, which was by far the lowest of the group.  The other 14 restaurants all had "Q-Way" ratings in the 80s or 90s.

Monday, April 11, 2011

There are a handful of requirements for being considered, biologically speaking, alive.  And while I don't have my biology textbook with me, I think the number is seven. (I remember remarking a few years ago that on a given day I'd completed 4 of the 7 requirements, and that this was good enough to win the World Series.)

Suffice to say...Living things grow.  Living things consume.  Living things eliminate waste.  And living things respond to their environment.   

For example, if a room is cold, a living person will put on a sweater, turn up the heat, or start moving about in order to warm up.  This is normal behavior.  If there's a stimulus, you respond to it.  If there's a sudden bright light, you blink.  You can't help it.  That's what living things do.  And if you can sense that there are other people walking closely behind you--if you can hear their footsteps, or if you just use common sense, (since you're walking in New York City in the middle of the day)---then that's a stimulus.  You're supposed to respond.  If you are walking slowly in the middle of a narrow sidewalk, and there are people shuffling slowly behind you, either move decidedly over to one side of the sidewalk or else quicken your pace.

If you don't respond to the presence of people behind you, either you're retarded, of you are not techinally alive, and in either case you ought to be brushed aside like strands of beads suspended in a doorway.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I was talking to Justin on the phone, and he wanted to know what the news articles had been saying about his case.  I told him the AP picked up the story, and most stories contained the sentence: "Massler, who gave his address as a volcano on Hawaii..."

Justin immediately got annoyed, since he'd told the police his hometown was Volcano, Hawaii, which is an actual town in Hawaii where he once stayed for a few weeks:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volcano,_Hawaii

Justin:  "It would be like if I was in Hell, Michigan, and decided, 'That's a cool name for a hometown.'  And then the newspapers all claimed, 'Justin Massler says he comes from Hell.'"

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I had a dream about a man who smelled like fish, and because he never left the apartment, all his roommates complained that the apartment smelled like fish.

Friday, April 8, 2011

There's a girl staying on the third floor of the Gem Hotel. Nearly every time I pass by the light in her room is on, and half of the time she's at the open window, often times looking down at the street. She has long dair hair, and once the window area seemed particularly smoky. There's a boy in the room too, and once as I walked towards the deli I thought I saw her in the window, and when I walked back it was the guy at the window frame--an irritating transformation. He seemed to be casting a suspicious eye at my sidewalk, and I made sure to avoid eye-contact with him.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I had a dream where I was standing at a particular girl's science fair table. She had a tray with apple-flavored cookies, orange-flavored cookies, and lemon-flavored cookies, and she told me to pick one. So I ate a lemon-flavored cookie. It was supposed to alter my taste buds.

Then I ate an apple and it tasted like an orange. It had the same texture and juiciness, and after a while the girl told me not to get drool on the table. Then she handed me a lemon and I was hesitant, because who wants to bite into a lemon? But she insisted, so I bit into it and it had the same taste and texture of an apple.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I walked one avenue to the ATM, withdrew $100, and walked back to the laundromat, and was relieved to see the glass on the door hadn't been cracked. 

I'd come in to pick up my laundry, which was about $13.  When I tried to use my debit card, the counter lady told me they had a $15 minimum for debit cards.  As it was early in the day, and my brother was scheduled to be in court sometime soon, I wasn't in the mood for this.  So, after taking a moment to silently register that she was serious, I strode out and swung open the door full-force until it hit whatever door-stop mechanism they had installed. 

The counter lady seemed unusually subdued when I got back.     
  

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Navigating through a slow-to-load website shouldn't feel like a goddamn game of labryrintspel.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Someone left a stack of magazines in the bathroom.  On top was an ESPN magazine.  Under that was a Maxim with Olivia Munn on the cover and the tagline "TV is sexy again."  Under that was copy of delight! magazine with Betty White on the cover. 

Is this someone's idea of a practical joke?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The cover of this month's Esquire says: "Hard as it is to say, it's time to forgive Tiger Woods."  I wasn't mad at the guy in the first place.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A girl in the laundromat had a hand-written note with her, and was asking the attendant for access to the security cameras.  She said time was of the essence.  The note clearly had to do with a parking space, and began with the line "You are one selfish fuck!"  The rest was to the effect of: 'This is not New Jersey.  Spaces are extremely hard to secure around here.'  As I left, I tried to figure out whether the girl had written the note, or if she had discovered it on her vehicle.
 
All I could decide was that the line "You are one selfish fuck!" is more likely something a girl would think than a guy.